What If you Lived with a lot Less What Ifs

I went to turn on my lap top to hop back on the blogging train and suddenly half of  the letters on my keyboard don't work anymore. No rhyme. No rhythm. I had all these ideas in my head, and instead I've spent the last two days running diagnostic tests, updating my drivers, and allowing my little brother to help me. Nothing worked. So even though my brain is crying to type out all these THINGS, here I am on my phone. My thumbs don't work nearly as good as having my entire 10 fingers to type. 

I told my boss about not returning to my job for next year, in fact I'm not returning to Charleston at all. That was such an interesting occurrence.  Suddenly I have less paid vacation, and it's the most awkward work environment. 

I mean, I'm working a seasonal job at best. Running the show for a kayak, sup, and charter tour company was never my life's dream. It's just what saved me from a deep dark pit of despair that I had flung myself into while teaching, and gave me the time, space, and energy to slowly crawl my way out. I'm respected, feared, looked up to. My coworkers take me seriously and value my opinion. Something that never happened while I was teaching. I have a gorgeous view from my tiny office that is flooded with people in the summer and mosquitoes in the spring and fall. I spend a lot of time outside, with fun people, and I don't have to worry about standardized tests. I'm really loving the life. I get paid enough to get by and save a bit. I work a normal amount. 

I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Maybe what I've been trying to do here is convince myself that it's ok to leave. Or OK to not leave. I feel guilty leaving. I have this picture perfect job with some fantastic colleagues. They look out for me and I'd give my back for them. I post these amazing photos and from the outside in it seems perfect. 

I deal with a ton of shit. Of annoyed people on vacation who want something better for cheaper and way faster. People driving up without calling to rent a bunch of kayaks and I'm there all by myself. All the while the phone is ringing off the hook and I can't keep up with the questions and demands and the guarantee that people will see certain wildlife. It's physically demanding and emotionally draining. I've got sweet muscles from carrying kayaks and paddle boards by myself, but is it really worth it? Is this what makes me happy, gets my wheels turning, my heart pumping, my imagination going? I have a lot of great responsibility and power, but with that comes this overwhelming sense of actually being in charge. And constantly being worried about f-ing up. I'm not actually really that passionate about it! Yeah maybe I am a tree loving hippie who cries when I think of the amount of animals that are ingesting trash out in the ocean, and spend a large amount of time at work picking up garbage out of the marsh from fishermen, tourists, and idiots who drop it. But that doesn't mean that I'm supposed to be stuck on the marsh educating ignorant northerners about the souths beautiful flora and fauna. 

I'm not. I actually don't love it. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. 

The thought of what ifs came up when Nick and I were talking about where we should move after we travel. And what if when we're at his parents in Chattanooga and we go back to his alma matter and meet his principal... What if we get offered a job teaching high school. What if that job starts after winter break? What if instead when we're in Cali, we fall in love and want to stay there? Or don't want to leave Colorado ever. 

what if, what if, what if. 

Great question. 

The only thing I can say for certain right now, is even with how guilty I feel I know I'm making the right decision by leaving my job. By leaving charleston. By starting this amazing journey. What if it doesn't work out like we planned? 

Well what if the milk maid churned her whipping cream just a little bit further to make it a little bit thicker... Whoops she made butter. Well that's pretty damn good too.