Love That I Never Knew I had

Yesterday my dog (or best friend) started vomiting excessively at noon. He didn't stop all night and we brought him to the vet first thing this morning. He has acute kidney failure. He'll be ok I hope. The vet is keeping him for a few days. 

I miss him terribly. He's my best friend. Partner in crime. Traveling companion. Sunrise catcher. He makes me appreciate the stars at night and the breeze between the trees. He's so excited every time I get home, never shows pain, and is the best snuggler I've ever met. 

I didn't know I could possibly love someone or something this much. I'm so devastated. I know he'll be ok, but it's a significant sign to appreciate the wonderful things in life. 

You have so many positives in life. I have so many positives in life. Yes, there are shitty things, and thing I want to be better, but there are so many amazing things that I have. That you have. Give an extra hug, an extra smile. It's ok to not diligently save money, to mess up, to make a mess, to forget something. I get SO ANGRY with myself sometimes. But I would give anything right now for Jackson to be home with me. Anything. 

Send some love. Give a hug. Meditate. Smile. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. You already have everything you need. 

How is it

How is it that I've lost the motivation to write? I have all of these grand ideas in my head throughout the day. I typically think of them when I've been driving. But I can never think of anything when I've got the time to write. 

Here are a few options why: 

1. My keyboard no longer works on my computer and the thought of typing a wonderful blog on my phone makes me annoyed

2. I'm not as passionate as I thought I was. In which case I'm just a big Nancy Sally faker. 

3. I don't feel like I have anything good to say.

4. I feel like I'm too busy.

5. I'm actually too busy.

6. How many o's go in too busy?  1 or 2?

7. I don't love blogging as much as I force myself to think

8. I totally love blogging but am shying away from writing because I know I'm leaving. 

Man, I should/could write the best article about leaving. Man it's tough. It doesn't matter if you're going to paradise, a house a small Podunk town, or closer to family. Leaving is always tough. No matter what. Quitting things. Saying goodbyes. People letting you know they are envious of your travels or telling you that you are an idiot for leaving such a great place. 

Do you feel guilty about leaving? It's funny, because it makes you not want to talk about it. But you're so excited. You want to share the new places you'll go and things you'll do. You want to tell people what you'll miss and thank them for being such great friends. 

But instead you keep quiet about it. Dumb down your story so it's not exactly what it will really be like. Even moving to the tundra of Boston I kept my story short and simple. 

This weekend was a big bachelor weekend for Nicks best friend Dave. Guys came in to Charleston from all over including Tennessee, Georgia, New York, and Texas. All life long friends. They rented a big beautiful ocean front house on folly beach, which ended up being so cheap because there were so many of them. I went over this afternoon after work with the dogs and it was so fun. We tossed the football and frisbee, two of my favorite things, played with the dogs and cooked oysters and potatoes. I had the pleasure of sharing Nick and my plans with a lot of his friends and they were all so ridiculously happy. It was such a great feeling to have people excited about my next big move and so amped that their good friend will be closer to home. 

I think a large part of leaving is sadness. It's so sad to say goodbye. And even though people are happy for you, they are sad too, and that can easily come off as judgement or jealousy. I think I should add in some more thank you's and show my appreciation for some of these awesome friends that I've made instead of suddenly being upset that they are not reacting the way I originally might have thought they should. 

It's going to be great. A learning experience. A trial run. A great feat but also a humbling experience. Why do I even care what other people think. I know me, and this is what I need. 

Like the photos I added in there? Makes look cooler with photos ;) 

P.s. I must be lying when I talk about losing the motivation to write. Once I start I can't stop! My thumbs is burning!! 

One of my closest friends got us "the Royal flush" as a going away gift. Pooping in the woods has never felt so good and looked so classy. 

A different approach

Instead of spending a ton of time on the interwebs tonight, I lost myself in Ted Talks. Something I love to do when I'm home alone. So please, do me a favor and watch this one. I've seen it more than once and can be quite eye opening if you really open your mind to it. :)

The Enchanting Music of Sign Language

Let me know what you think. Does it change your perspective? 

Finding Something Wrong - All The Little Things

Have you ever been out to eat with someone, it is a nice casual meal with a friend, and they instantly find something negative about the place you're at? The food you're eating? The people next to you? Her dress, his shoes, that decoration, the temperature, the waitress, how long it's taking... The list goes on and on. 

It's almost like there has to be something wrong. It is not possible to feel good about yourself without first putting down someone or something around you. 

The person that is Always searching for a compliment or for you to agree with them about something that is honestly so trivial. 

Looking around, you'll notice that there honestly always is something that you could be complaining about. Right now it's hot and muggy in my room. My neck hurts from the way I'm propped up in my bed. I'm so mad I can't type on my lap top. I'm still kinda hungry.

But none of that is actually bothering me enough for me to do something about it, so why complain? 

I've noticed myself getting more annoyed recently with small things that didn't used to bug me so much. Is it because I'm more concerned with the little bits that didn't used to be so important, or am I hiding from my real feelings? Probably the latter. I get so so so annoyed with people who complain about the small things. Do you notice when you're doing it? Can you step back and see how you can pull a few of those negatives out and replace them with some solid positives. 

It's ok to enjoy each others company while the service take forever, to know you're not ever actually in a rush unless you make it so. All those small things bear no true meaning or insight into your life, so let them drift by. Save your words for the good stuff. I'll be getting started on that as soon as I wake up in the morning. 

What If you Lived with a lot Less What Ifs

I went to turn on my lap top to hop back on the blogging train and suddenly half of  the letters on my keyboard don't work anymore. No rhyme. No rhythm. I had all these ideas in my head, and instead I've spent the last two days running diagnostic tests, updating my drivers, and allowing my little brother to help me. Nothing worked. So even though my brain is crying to type out all these THINGS, here I am on my phone. My thumbs don't work nearly as good as having my entire 10 fingers to type. 

I told my boss about not returning to my job for next year, in fact I'm not returning to Charleston at all. That was such an interesting occurrence.  Suddenly I have less paid vacation, and it's the most awkward work environment. 

I mean, I'm working a seasonal job at best. Running the show for a kayak, sup, and charter tour company was never my life's dream. It's just what saved me from a deep dark pit of despair that I had flung myself into while teaching, and gave me the time, space, and energy to slowly crawl my way out. I'm respected, feared, looked up to. My coworkers take me seriously and value my opinion. Something that never happened while I was teaching. I have a gorgeous view from my tiny office that is flooded with people in the summer and mosquitoes in the spring and fall. I spend a lot of time outside, with fun people, and I don't have to worry about standardized tests. I'm really loving the life. I get paid enough to get by and save a bit. I work a normal amount. 

I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Maybe what I've been trying to do here is convince myself that it's ok to leave. Or OK to not leave. I feel guilty leaving. I have this picture perfect job with some fantastic colleagues. They look out for me and I'd give my back for them. I post these amazing photos and from the outside in it seems perfect. 

I deal with a ton of shit. Of annoyed people on vacation who want something better for cheaper and way faster. People driving up without calling to rent a bunch of kayaks and I'm there all by myself. All the while the phone is ringing off the hook and I can't keep up with the questions and demands and the guarantee that people will see certain wildlife. It's physically demanding and emotionally draining. I've got sweet muscles from carrying kayaks and paddle boards by myself, but is it really worth it? Is this what makes me happy, gets my wheels turning, my heart pumping, my imagination going? I have a lot of great responsibility and power, but with that comes this overwhelming sense of actually being in charge. And constantly being worried about f-ing up. I'm not actually really that passionate about it! Yeah maybe I am a tree loving hippie who cries when I think of the amount of animals that are ingesting trash out in the ocean, and spend a large amount of time at work picking up garbage out of the marsh from fishermen, tourists, and idiots who drop it. But that doesn't mean that I'm supposed to be stuck on the marsh educating ignorant northerners about the souths beautiful flora and fauna. 

I'm not. I actually don't love it. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. 

The thought of what ifs came up when Nick and I were talking about where we should move after we travel. And what if when we're at his parents in Chattanooga and we go back to his alma matter and meet his principal... What if we get offered a job teaching high school. What if that job starts after winter break? What if instead when we're in Cali, we fall in love and want to stay there? Or don't want to leave Colorado ever. 

what if, what if, what if. 

Great question. 

The only thing I can say for certain right now, is even with how guilty I feel I know I'm making the right decision by leaving my job. By leaving charleston. By starting this amazing journey. What if it doesn't work out like we planned? 

Well what if the milk maid churned her whipping cream just a little bit further to make it a little bit thicker... Whoops she made butter. Well that's pretty damn good too. 

Day 4

I feel like the title of this blog is so appropriate. Originally developed to get me off of Instagram and Facebook while going to the bathroom, this was to get me writing and being productive instead of mindless. Today we drove 8 hours back from Nicks hometown in Chattanooga Tennessee. The lake house his family owns is about an hour north of there. We stopped through on our way back to Charleston, even though it is out of the way, so I could see the town where he grew up and Nicks number one choice of where he would like to settle after we are done traveling. 

Side note: the other blog I've been posting is a combo authorship of Nick and I. We want to have memories of our travels and so we started the blog together. I know I'll be doing most of the writing, but will always consult him before releasing a final draft. All this gibberish is just me. End side note. 

So I'm moving, again. It's honestly hilarious that I can't stay in one place for more than 6 months. Nick wants to teach at his alma mater, Baylor, which is a prestigious private school on the most beautiful campus. There is this thought that I might teach there too, but seriously? Me teach high school again? I could be a yoga instructor, sup instructor, sup yoga instructor, bartender, nanny, sign language teacher, so many things. My only real plan is to go back to school to get my interpreters certification. American Sign Language. I love the language and would love even more to give more deaf people access to spoken English. 

I think this blog is great for me because it is letting my thoughts unfold. Well, as fast as my thumbs can move. I should really hook my laptop back up for these posts. Maybe tomorrow. 

What do I want to do. I know I don't have to decide right now, but what if I dont even know?? How will I find out? Will it just hit me? I need to listen to more Wayne Dyer speeches and then maybe it'll come to me. 

Day 1

Creativity. 

Day 1 was all I could come up with to start this challenge. Writing for 30 days. This seems perfect for me, it's like my sister always knows what I need. In exactly 30 days I am packing up a uhaul and moving all our stuff to Tennessee. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now, but have been living together since I moved back from Hawaii in May. In fact, as of right now we have spent the same amount of time living together and doing long distance. 6 months is a long time to do long distance. Or to live with someone. I guess that's why we know we like each other so much. He's definitely a keeper. 

In 30 days were packing up the apartment and then unpacking all of our stuff into his brothers attic. From there we are going to travel for 2 - 6 or maybe even more months. There is so much on my mind with that, but for now I'm just going to look forward to the change. I'm also looking to find more of my purpose in life. And I'm looking for an adventure.it feels good to write again. I don't know why I don't do this all the time. Even though it's not so cohesive or even coherent perhaps, it's still so nice to let my thoughts flow from my finger tips. 

30 days. Fresh starts. Adventure 

I love the thing that the chick said about blogging. To know your audience and speak to them. To find out who is reading what you write and then write it to them, those are the people you want to attract anyway.  

On to more attracting :)